I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
