when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
