If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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