I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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