I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
