i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
