Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My pussy is not your playground.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
