Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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