i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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