I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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