My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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