By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
