just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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