Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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