i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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