i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
