so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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