I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's rum buckets o'clock
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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