The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
