He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
