Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
