The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
