The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
