My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
