12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
