I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
