Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
