I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
