On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
