I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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