Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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