Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
