It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
