im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
