toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
