i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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