We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I need to align my fucking chakras
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
