dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
