I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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