someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
