When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
