So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
