what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
