I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i came on her dog
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
