I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
