Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
