I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
