Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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