He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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