well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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