How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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