Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
