I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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