That's when you crack a 10am beer
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
