I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
