A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
